If Sting is the embodiment of evil in this world, then who, in this crazy universe of ours, could possibly represent all that is shining, bright, and good? Irwin Helford is the answer, my friend.

For those of you who are not yet aware of who Irwin Helford is, he's the president of Viking Office Supplies. I am convinced that if you only have the proper office supplies, your life can be transformed from its current mess into a paradise of organized effeciency. Irwin Helford beams at you from the cover of every Viking catalog, pointing to a new and helpful office supply that you were previously unaware of. Irwin's office supplies are always a great value, guaranteed, and will magically arrive at your doorstep within one to two business days. Irwin's pointing hand is like a beacon of light in these hard times, and his knowing, reassuring smile comforts and soothes those weary of drudgery and confusion. Some may say Staples is the best, but I disagree. No way. Compared to the overwhelming, confusing, sterile enviroment of Staple's stores and catalogues, the Viking catalog is a friendly and welcoming paradise.

Unlike Sting, you can tell that Irwin Helford is a man of the people. In fact, when I once mailed in a card alerting the staff of Viking to my friend's crush on Irwin, they offered to let her speak to him on the phone! (She, however, graciously declined.) Unfortunately, Irwin is happily married, but he's still one of the most handsome office suppliers around. Whereas Sting represents the embodiment of corporate greed, Irwin's simply not in it for the money! Why else would he offer the masses his wares at such incredibly low prices? Obviously, Irwin's mission is one of a humanitarian purpose. He wants offices all across our land to unite in effeciency and organization! Why, where would this great nation of ours be without pens and paper? Would the Declaration of Independece have existed without the proper office supplies to create it? And the Constitution as well! Irwin Helford is nobly carrying us into the democratic 21st century. From now on, I recommend that you order mass quantities of office supplies from Viking. Remember, Sting = evil and Irwin Helford = good.