Sometimes, as we ponder the global and even cosmic reach of his sinister influence, we overlook the little ways in which Sting shapes the most intimate details of our everyday lives. We all know, for example, that Sting secretly controls both the World Bank and the International Monetary Fund. Likewise, we know that it was a young Sting who introduced the universal pricing code. But did you know that Sting can actually manipulate the inner workings of the male body? It's true.

What I'm talking about is stage fright. For the female readers out there who may be unaware of this exasperating malady, "stage fright" is the name for that state of suspended urination wherein a man, no matter how badly he has to go, just can't pee due to the presence of a stranger standing next to him at the urinals in a public restroom. It's a uniquely humiliating condition, almost as embarrassing as Sting's acting career. No man can escape it for long. Even the most tantrically advanced master of self-control, the kind of uber-guru who can control his heartbeat and regulate his brain waves; even he has experienced stage fright. Sometimes you'll find a whole row of men helplessly dangling in the rest room of the unemployment office, each waiting for his neighbor to let loose and break the collective spell.

For the longest time I misdiagnosed the problem, viewing it as an unconscious response to the authority of the father, or a repressed memory of the seemingly endless journey through the birth canal. Until one day, as I stood grievously afflicted in the crowded mens' room at Denny's, the true cause of my distress was revealed to me. It was Sting. Not that Sting was actually there (it's rumored that Sting only urinates twice a year, in an underground laboratory where the urine is used to make an extremely lethal strand of nerve gas). Anyway, suffice to say I knew with clairvoyant certainty that Mr. Sumner was the culprit. Which left me to face the question that haunts me to this very day: Why won't Sting let me pee?

Prolonged meditation has provided an answer to this vexing question. Sting perpetuates stage fright in order to rob men of control over their own bodies, thus rendering htem confused and powerless. The reason for this is simple: by undermining their self-esteem, Sting keeps men from realizing what a miserable little wimp he is, which in turn prevents them from beating him up and taking all his money away. The clinical term I've chosen for this disorder is "Sting-induced urinary inhibition." Victims of the affliction are dominated by the following logic: "Sting is rich and famous and has sex with Brazilian prostitutes, while I can't even pee. Thererfore he is right and I am wrong." Another common symptom is for the victim to think, when panic-stricken at the urinal: "If Sting were here, he'd know what to do."

Exactly how Sting impedes urination is a much more difficult question. Obviously, his longstqanding effort to fluoridize the water supply has something to do with it, a fact hinted at in Stanley Kubrick's brillian film, Dr. Strangelove, the release of which marked a major defeat for Sting, who went on to take recenge by causing the tragic deat of Peter Sellers. More research needs to be done on this point, and the work proceeds slowly, as my requests for funding have been repeatedly denied by the grant agencies, all of which are controlled by Sting.

Of course there are still some naive souls out there who would argue that Sting was too young to mastermind the fluoridization campaign. I would remind these individuals that Sting is ageless, and has, in one form or another, been menacing humankind since the dawn of time. Bear in mind the ancient Sumerian tablet which tells of "a horrid stinging beast, not like any bee, that rose up from the underworld to strike terror in the hearts of the people, causing them to abandon their homes and flee to the grassless outlands, where they did commence to covering themselves with sand and speaking many loud lamentations that gave fright to the friendly birds and drove them into the burning sun." Note the words "not like any bee." From the very beginning it was understood that the bees are the natural enemies of Sting, not to mention our only hope of salvation.

I forgot to mention that Nutrasweet, which was invented by Sting, is a powerful urinary inhibitor, as proven conclusively by innumerable studies. Naturally, all of these studies have been supressed by Sting.