The Good Guys

There are brave souls out there who are Anti-Sting. Some of them don't even know it. But here they are.
ROD MORGENSTEIN

Oh, you can only imagine the studliness that is Rod Morgenstein! I first discovered Rod on the cover of Modern Drummer magazine. I do not usually read MD, but a copy was lying around in my practice space that I share with several other bands. Rod was on the cover and I thought "Who is this guy? I've never heard of him." Inside there was, like, a ten-page spread on Rod. The Rodmeister used to be the drummer for Winger! Yeah, dude!!! Not to mention he has his own project called the Morgenstein-Rudenbaker project or something like that, which has an oh-so-lovely airbrushed cover of the longhaired Rod and his companion! You simply MUST visit Rod's own personal web site at http://www.mediusvision.com/rod. Rod has tons of stuff going on! Make sure to leave a message on the bulletin board there. And, believe it or not, there's actually a WINGER web site run by their self-proclaimed biggest fan. I mean, yes, she is CURRENTLY a fan of Winger. I personally am now thinking that Rod may replace Irwin Helford - the president of Viking Office Supplies - as my favorite man on the planet. The only thing that could possibly make me like Rod more than Irwin is if they duked it out - had a fight to the death. The winner remains my favorite guy. Place your bets, kids! Oh, did I mention the awesome faces that Rod makes while drumming? He looks like he's eating crap. It's too great! A poem about Rod by Mike Engel (the drummer in my band, Walk Proudly): Roses are red, violets are blue, I love Rod Morgenstein, And you should too!
IRWIN HELFORD

OK, so if Sting is the embodiment of evil in this world, then who, in this crazy universe of ours, could possibly represent all that is shining, bright, and good? Irwin Helford is the answer, my friend. For those of you who are not yet aware of who Irwin Helford is, he's the president of Viking Office Supplies. I am convinced that if you only have the proper office supplies, your life can be transformed from its current mess into a paradise of organized effeciency. Irwin Helford beams at you from the cover of every Viking catalog, pointing to a new and helpful office supply that you were previously unaware of. Irwin's office supplies are always a great value, guaranteed, and will magically arrive at your doorstep within one to two business days. Irwin's pointing hand is like a beacon of light in these hard times, and his knowing, reassuring smile comforts and soothes those weary of drudgery and confusion. Some may say Staples is the best, but I disagree. No way. Compared to the overwhelming, confusing, sterile enviroment of Staple's stores and catalogues, the Viking catalog is a friendly and welcoming paradise. Unlike Sting, you can tell that Irwin Helford is a man of the people. In fact, when I once mailed in a card alerting the staff of Viking to my friend's crush on Irwin, they offered to let her speak to him on the phone! (She, however, graciously declined.) Unfortunately, Irwin is happily married, but he's still one of the most handsome office suppliers around. Whereas Sting represents the embodiment of corporate greed, Irwin's simply not in it for the money! Why else would he offer the masses his wares at such incredibly low prices? Obviously, Irwin's mission is one of a humanitarian purpose. He wants offices all across our land to unite in effeciency and organization! Why, where would this great nation of ours be without pens and paper? Would the Declaration of Independece have existed without the proper office supplies to create it? And the Constitution as well! Irwin Helford is nobly carrying us into the democratic 21st century. From now on, I recommend that you order mass quantities of office supplies from Viking. Remember, Sting = evil and Irwin Helford = good.